We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Randomize
