Rub youre cunt and tell me you love me.
Your incorrect use of you're doesn't arouse me in the slightest.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
As shirtless as possible
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Randomize
