Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Woke up to my asscrack filled with melted Reese's Pieces. Halloween parties are so weird here man
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
All boys are excommunicated from my vagina until further notice.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
Randomize
