We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
