Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
Randomize
