I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
Randomize
