my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
The man sent me a video of him doing the helicopter, the least I can do is go visit him in the hospital
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
Randomize
