He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
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