hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
you were stumbling down richmond carrying a girl in a nurse costume. its not even halloween dude
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
