I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
It's just like the Real World with babies
it's not cheating when I paid for it
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
Randomize
