if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I don't know what happened this summer, I've lost my sense of morality. All I do now is work, get drunk, and have sex near national landmarks.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
Should I put the spider I likely swallowed in my sleep into my calorie tracker?
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Right. Cuz nothing screams "You made it!" quite like selling your used underwear to strangers you met on the internet.
Randomize
