I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
and I was crying with the towel lady in the bathroom of the bar about the tragedy in Haiti. Then we hugged before I left and I gave her 10 dollars.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
Let me begin to explain the rest of last night by beginning with saying that out if necessity I took a pair of your underwear
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Dinner was cheetos vodka and whiskey. This is what happens when even your booty call breaks up with you.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
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