I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
Hows cali? I thought of you as I shaved 1/4 of my legs last night.
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
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