So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.
It breaks. We fall.
I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Some how my underwear was hanging from the antlers of a antelope head on the wall of the hotel........
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Randomize
