Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
You are the only person I know who has a fierce hatred for a five year old. Not even five year olds in general, yours is very specific
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
It was like sex on an active volcano surrounded by the night sky and bloodhounds. And by that I mean it was nice.
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Remind me later when I want to buy more drinks that there's a 20 in my bra
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
Randomize
