its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
Some guy said that sham wows were the same as regular shammys. needless to say you had to be restrained. you kept trying to 'slap chop' him.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
Randomize
