my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
I feel like my teeth are sweating.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Randomize
