We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
They had to take me to the ER because I got a concussion in a parking garage. Not partying with lesbians for a while
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
he said "GREAT SCOTT" as he was cumming.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
Randomize
