I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
