i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
Nothing better than going to Mass on Easter Sunday with "I love penis" henna tattooed across your back. Love your Indian culture.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
