I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
He said he's was gunna give me some pain meds. I'm not sure what they are but I just gave him a thumbs up
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Do you find Darth Vader masks attractive?
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I woke up saran wrapped to a chair....
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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