You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Randomize
