Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
