i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
there is a tent in the living room. its a vip tent room. i want in.
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
