At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Randomize
