so i was sitting on this guys lap, and we were flirting and everything right..well his phone kept ringing, turns out it was his pregnant wife...she had gone into labor..
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
he's gonorrhea incarnate
I wish there were birth control emojis
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
Crying while listening to Miley Cyrus. BE GLAD YOU JUMPED THIS SINKING SHIP!
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Need to use your shower bro.
FWB wearing glitter again?
It’s like she’s marking her territory
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