the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
