Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You tried to order fondue take-out.
From Taco Bell.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
Randomize
