That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I would have been the big man on campus...just flop my wang out on the table and how them what they were gonna deal with if they dropped the soap
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
Randomize
