The vibrating part of my dildo broke, now I have to rely on gyration.
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
all i remember is that her bootyshorts said 'shameless' and that there was no turning back.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I received a sext from my girlfriend, and a deal for free chips and guacamole at chipotle at the same time. I have tasted heaven, and it is beautiful.
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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