and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Ah, but I don't wear underwear. Every day is Commando Wednesday.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Randomize
