I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Tell me again why I left before the topless cake fight
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
