Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Yes he was puking but in the only light of the whole parking lot and he was resting in the patch of clovers and he just was a garden fairy
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
I'm so hung over that I'm pretty sure I can feel the earth's rotations when I close my eyes.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Randomize
