I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
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