dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
