Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I think this bruise on my arm is actually an impression of your face
I just want to dump glitter on my floor and roll in it like a cat in catnip.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
when the cops came she just started yelling at them "Fuck the police! freedom of speech bitches!"
Randomize
