I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
For sure. I'm slow cooking a 6 pound pork shoulder wrapped in bacon. If that doesn't scream "guys I'm going into culinary arts lets get drunk" I'm not sure what does.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
He bought me shrimp and alcohol and referred to himself as daddy. I am in love.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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