When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
We need a shit load of segways right now
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
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