I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Farmville is her only friend.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
we just got kicked out of the mexican restaurant. i have a full pitcher of margarita's hiding under my coat.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I remember sitting in your lap naked saying I don't want to be all looks while you gently rocked me back and forth
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
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