Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
its 3am and I'm taking a bubble bath, this is what taking a day off work at 30 looks like
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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