when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
I think I caught your cold through my vagina. It was worth it.
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
no we just smoked too much weed and listened to the tarzan soundtrack. phil collins is amazing
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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