I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
I took Valium worth by frank. I squabble
Li shadha you vin. It's phot out. I just ate a fried Oreo
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
You ripped his router out of the wall and screamed "I have defeated the matrix"
Just saw a girl I banged wearing a pro life shirt downtown. Not sure where to start with that.
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
Randomize
