I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
just had sex in my dorm hall public bathroom while wearing my favorite cat sweater. tonight was a win
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. It doesn't matter what it's about. Last text was about a homeless dude
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Randomize
