Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
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