you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
