I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just got checked out by a paramedic whilst their sirens were on. I'm doing something right
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...
No if my life depended on you fingering me just let me die
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
I will not go because I am a man of my word and of my penis.
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
Randomize
