How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
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