The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I guess the lesson here is that I shouldn't send nudes to elected officials.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I woke up to him watching me sleep and after I told him it was over he asked if we were still on for Vegas next weekend
Randomize
