Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Friends don't let friends drunk sleep in the dorm common room
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
there's an entire drinking game devoted to nobody liking her face
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
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