Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
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Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
They have a house rule that you get a composite for every 5 guys you sleep with. Where should I hang my new one?
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
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