I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
