oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Best single mom victory - getting eaten out in my dodge caravan in the hospital parkade at midnight.Three words: screaming multiple orgasms.
Randomize
