I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
It's like the blind leading the senile over here.
UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
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