i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I was laying there trying to sleep and then he sat up, took out his dick, and put it on my shoulder. It wasn't even hard- it was just casually perched.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
Randomize
