my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
we live vicariously through your huge boobs
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