I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Randomize
